Stop making excuses for her. You utter fool.

The world conspires to distract me from my task.

I have begun Shirley by Charlotte Brontë and I am afraid to say that the pomposity of its tone is unparalleled. I do not remember Jane Eyre, The Professor or even Villette being quite as obnoxious as this book has been so far. Perhaps my taste in books is maturing, or perhaps I have become biased against Charlotte, but whatever the reason, I hold the conviction that Anne is indeed the superior Brontë of the two. I shall refrain from commenting on Emily because I have nothing nice to say about her.

Previously, I thought that while Agnes Grey was a good book, it lacked the vigour of Charlotte’s works; now, I deeply appreciate its subtleties and find Charlotte’s writing clumsy, childish and steeped in subjectivity. Yet, Charlotte’s fame exceeds that of Anne’s by far. Am I ignorant, I wonder, or am I the discerning reader I aspire to be? Of course the number of readers is not indicative of a book’s merit - but I shall not argue my case here since there are far too many issues for me to cover. However, it should be said that Anne is and has been often judged unfairly in terms of her sisters - it is apparently inconceivable to some that perhaps Anne was not pursuing quite the same effect that her sisters were, and she has been accused of being a pale, sermonising version of her sisters.

I do not know if I shall manage to finish Shirley. Already, it is beginning to build up into that histrionic “Brontë ideal” which Anne falls so far from, and I have only just started the first few pages - not that the uninitiated would be able to discern that of course, but I am uncommonly familiar with the Brontës, if I may say so myself.

I really do not think I will enjoy this book.

Who am I? Where do I belong?

At school, I do not belong anywhere – except the corner. It is no use. I cannot get through to them. Why do they greet me and then ignore me? They only speak to me when they wish to, what I have to say is insignificant. I do not understand. Why hug me, greet me, when I am nothing to you? How false. And yet, there are others they do not greet. It is not understandable. It is strange indeed. Why do they feign interest?

Does she? Why does she greet me yet not speak? I do not know my place – those she likes she speaks to, those she does not she ignores. And here I am, hanging in between. I do not see the purpose in greeting me so smilingly if I am not to be spoken to. Who am I to you? She is decidedly lukewarm. My affairs are worth only a minute, the rest of her time shall be devoted to others, or her work. .

How shall I improve the situation? Speak to her, when she is engaged in lively conversation with someone else? That would be intrusion.

I am Tantalus, afflicted with thirst and hunger, with food and water just out of reach.

I see no solution. I shall be stuck forever in purgatory, neither to be relegated to hell nor raised to heaven. Stuck with this false hope that something will come out of nothing.

I am the sandwich spread, the jam, the cheese, the ham… the peanut butter. Let me be the bottom slice of bread. I would rather be nothing than this.

…Would I? Would I really?

Or perhaps I am just sick of it. I am always planning our little “coincidences” so that we will run into each other in the corridors, or predicting when she will be in the toilet so that I can briefly be alone with her there. But nothing will happen. Nothing will happen except “Hi.” Or maybe a “How was your Easter?”. And it is not enough.

It is tiring, and it is not enough. My efforts are not enough, because unless I talk, there will be nothing. But how can I talk when I am a mute beside her?

Yes, I know her patterns, her habits. I know more than anyone would ever expect me to know. And yet it is not enough to help me talk because… I do not know her.

But, at least, unlike the others… She does not ignore what I do have to say. Perhaps she is… my best bet at GSIS. If I want a friend, perhaps it will indeed have to be her. Only I cannot…

Please help me.

No. I will push us forward.

How depressing. A Danish Wikipedia entry is easier for me to understand than an Irish Gaelic Wikipedia entry. Conclusion? My Irish sucks. It will continue to suck unless I start learning seriously.

Seriously. I just pretend Danish is mangled English and I end up understanding more than expected. More than if I try reading German anyway. I’m sure the school is very disappointed with me.

I should try reading French sometime. It will be fun. Oooh but that will be an unfair experiment since I have an almost-negligible-but-not-quite French vocabulary. So I know a couple of things that could skew the reliability of the experiment. I think the funniest version of Wiki is the Chinese mun yin mun version. Or maybe the Scots one.

I should continue making Morkuage and force people to make a Morkuage Wiki. As bi prolted mid. Gwahaha.

Yes, that will be fun.

A new dawn has broken. What shall the future bring?

I wonder if I can hope to befriend them. It could happen. How my life would improve then.

How shall I say this? I had lunch with Charlotte, Molly and Lisa.

Never in my life did I think this would happen. Am I sitting on the verge of a new friendship? I am filled with a quiet joy that I have not felt in a long, long time.

And for the first time, I have seen her in a new light. No more is she the angel of my dreams - the veil is lifted, and her human qualities stand out in the light of the sun. The fear is gone now. The all-consuming desire, too, is gone. Shall I say she no longer attracts? No - but how sweet and how mild has it grown in the luminance of Truth!

Where is the desire to submit, now? It has fled from the True Face of my equal - she who laughed at my antics as none have in a long, long time. Oh, shall I call thee “Friend”?

Shall I soon escape the clutches of that Dread Grasp? Is my life at a turning point? Oh, Fate, say “yes”! I should like, more than anything, to once more have friends on my part of the globe - if it be for only a while. Too long has my life been desolate, too long have I been lost.

Grant me again that moment of Understanding, where I suffer neither scorn nor ridicule, though I bare my True Self.

Words cannot express how much anxiety I am feeling right now.

It started ever since… No, let me start from the beginning.

Bio -

Charlotte is walking down corridor, says something to Adam from afar. They talk.

Charlotte: ‘Sup?

Since people usually do not greet people they are already speaking to, I assumed she was speaking to me even though she was not looking at me directly.

Me: Hey.

Charlotte and Adam continue to talk. She complains about not being to go somewhere. Then she sheds light on the circumstances of her illness.

Adam: Did you have a fever?

You may assume that Adam responds to what she says at intervals. I am am incapable of reproducing and am not interested in what he has to say. Also, since she was not speaking to me, this transcript may contain errors.

Charlotte: Uh… fever, vomiting, diarrhoea… But I have my pills. I have drugs. =P You know that thing I get twice or three times a year? (inaudible) that… Remember that time I went into hospital? They put me on an IV drip. And I have to be careful what I eat. No clams, no mussels, no junk, no rubbish.

Okay I lied. I remember something of what he said.

Adam: What, no clams and mussels right now?

Charlotte: *looks dispirited* Uh, no, uh…

Adam: What, for a month?

Charlotte: *appears upset and demonstrates reluctance or inability to actually say exactly what she means* Uh, no, for - for - uh -

Adam: For the rest of your life?

Charlotte: *quietly* Uh, yeah, life…

And she has the most pitiable look on face that you just can’t help feeling sorry for her. And the bitterness rises up in my throat. Even though I don’t think not being able to eat mussels or clams is a great loss.

Adam: That sucks.

Charlotte: And the doctors don’t know what it is.

Oh yes apparently she’s not supposed to have sushi either and she hates that. I don’t know where that fits in in that conversation.

The door opens. We move to enter. I am feeling worried and upset. They may be continuing their conversation at this point but I am not even aware of what is going on except for my feelings. I probably cut in. I speak rapidly and suddenly, without my characteristic “Charlotte-is-in-the-vicinity” stammer, my tone probably sounding harsh, hard and demanding.

Me: Howareyoufeelingnow?

Charlotte: What?

She cannot catch a word I say. I slow down and attempt to soften my tone - to little effect.

Me: How are you feeling now?

Charlotte: Oh, better, but still, you know…

I nod.

We sit down in our respective seats. And I openly look at her without pretending I’m not because I am worried and concerned and I don’t care what people think at that point. And I note that she seems unusually pale. Not that she isn’t usually pale, but… She smiles. I don’t know what she means by that. She smiles a lot anyway all the time. It might not have been for me. But did we have eye contact? I’m never sure about that.

I wonder if she understood why I was looking at her. If she understood that I was concerned. I like to think that she did.

I haven’t the faintest idea what she’s got, but it doesn’t sound good. It had me worried. I felt anxious for the whole day at school. I said in my über (I speak German!) long post that I had this image of her dying young. It seems my instincts pointed me in the right general direction. There is something about her body that is not quite right. (I’m convinced I have this 6th sense you know.)

Now that I have knowledge of this… Together with her fear of the cold and her tiredness… This just does not conjure up an image of health, you know? It’s worrying.

Maybe I do have the potential to be a doctor. I sometimes imagine I can see the imprint of Death. But I could be kidding myself.

I hate it. I wish I were wrong. The thought of her vulnerability hurts me. I don’t want to think of her life as a fragile thing. And I did indeed have that image of it before now. To have my fears confirmed is just…

I don’t know.

I feel useless not being able to do anything for her.

Anyway, she asked about the spot, and then I said it’s what makes you feel good as I said… and she said what? what? and someone said it was the “Gianni-spot” (there’s a boy in our class called Gianni)… And Mr Ellis was trying to divert the conversation. She’s so cute when she doesn’t know what’s going on.

And then Mr Ellis mentioned the vaccine against the virus that can cause c.e.r.v.i.c.a.l. cancer, and he asked if anyone had heard of it. I told him that I had and that I had had it already. He was surprised and said, good, good, good. You have to have it before you are “active” in bed and he thinks both males and females should have it in order to confer herd protection. Anyway not many people in our class had really heard of it. Nielsen said, “What? What’s it for?” And I told her it was for preventing that type of cancer. And she said, “You had it?” And I said, “Yes.” And then I said, “You should have it.” Only my voice sort of disappeared in the back of my throat again and I sort of mouthed it. I think she got what I meant though. I believe she nodded.

Oh and Ellis asked me what the difference between a gene and an allele is. I didn’t really know, so I said in a light, airy voice, “That is an excellent question!” And Mr Ellis said, “Yes, it is! Good answer! It’s always a good tactic to compliment your teachers!” And people found it quite funny. But some people didn’t hear me. Eunice kept on asking, “What? What did she say?” But no one choi-ed her. Haha.

And then during break we hi-ed. Well she hey-ed and I hi-ed.

And then during Stats……. she dropped a pen and a pencil. She said, “Oh sheet.” I wasn’t quick enough to pick up both but I picked up the pencil, and she said, “Thank you, thank you,” in that lovely voice of hers. I love how she doesn’t sound dismissive about it either. You know how some people say “thank you” in a rather insincere manner? Well she has the manners not to sound like that. I like that.

And then she was away for so long during the break. I don’t know where she was or what she was doing. I think Eunice asked her about where she was but I really couldn’t hear properly and I think it had something to do with how she felt or something. And then Charlotte mumbled something three times and neither Eunice nor I could hear it. I think she really felt sick. She then said, “It’s complicated.” And then I saw her drop her head into her arms on top of the table for a couple of seconds during the teaching. I felt useless again. And then I started feeling sick.

At least I’m 80% sure she’s not with Justin.

And she said, “‘Sup?” I love that. It gives a sense of… familiarity.

Words cannot express how much anxiety I am feeling right now.

It started ever since… No, let me start from the beginning.

Bio -

Charlotte is walking down corridor, says something to Adam from afar. They talk.

Charlotte: ‘Sup?

Since people usually do not greet people they are already speaking to, I assumed she was speaking to me even though she was not looking at me directly.

Me: Hey.

Charlotte and Adam continue to talk. She complains about not being to go somewhere. Then she sheds light on the circumstances of her illness.

Adam: Did you have a fever?

You may assume that Adam responds to what she says at intervals. I am am incapable of reproducing and am not interested in what he has to say. Also, since she was not speaking to me, this transcript may contain errors.

Charlotte: Uh… fever, vomiting, diarrhoea… But I have my pills. I have drugs. =P You know that thing I get twice or three times a year? (inaudible) that… Remember that time I went into hospital? They put me on an IV drip. And I have to be careful what I eat. No clams, no mussels, no junk, no rubbish.

Okay I lied. I remember something of what he said.

Adam: What, no clams and mussels right now?

Charlotte: *looks dispirited* Uh, no, uh…

Adam: What, for a month?

Charlotte: *appears upset and demonstrates reluctance or inability to actually say exactly what she means* Uh, no, for - for - uh -

Adam: For the rest of your life?

Charlotte: *quietly* Uh, yeah, life…

And she has the most pitiable look on face that you just can’t help feeling sorry for her. And the bitterness rises up in my throat. Even though I don’t think not being able to eat mussels or clams is a great loss.

Adam: That sucks.

Charlotte: And the doctors don’t know what it is.

Oh yes apparently she’s not supposed to have sushi either and she hates that. I don’t know where that fits in in that conversation.

The door opens. We move to enter. I am feeling worried and upset. They may be continuing their conversation at this point but I am not even aware of what is going on except for my feelings. I probably cut in. I speak rapidly and suddenly, without my characteristic “Charlotte-is-in-the-vicinity” stammer, my tone probably sounding harsh, hard and demanding.

Me: Howareyoufeelingnow?

Charlotte: What?

She cannot catch a word I say. I slow down and attempt to soften my tone - to little effect.

Me: How are you feeling now?

Charlotte: Oh, better, but still, you know…

I nod.

We sit down in our respective seats. And I openly look at her without pretending I’m not because I am worried and concerned and I don’t care what people think at that point. And I note that she seems unusually pale. Not that she isn’t usually pale, but… She smiles. I don’t know what she means by that. She smiles a lot anyway all the time. It might not have been for me. But did we have eye contact? I’m never sure about that.

I wonder if she understood why I was looking at her. If she understood that I was concerned. I like to think that she did.

I haven’t the faintest idea what she’s got, but it doesn’t sound good. It had me worried. I felt anxious for the whole day at school. I said in my über (I speak German!) long post that I had this image of her dying young. It seems my instincts pointed me in the right general direction. There is something about her body that is not quite right. (I’m convinced I have this 6th sense you know.)

Now that I have knowledge of this… Together with her fear of the cold and her tiredness… This just does not conjure up an image of health, you know? It’s worrying.

Maybe I do have the potential to be a doctor. I sometimes imagine I can see the imprint of Death. But I could be kidding myself.

I hate it. I wish I were wrong. The thought of her vulnerability hurts me. I don’t want to think of her life as a fragile thing. And I did indeed have that image of it before now. To have my fears confirmed is just…

I don’t know.

I feel useless not being able to do anything for her.

Anyway, she asked about the spot, and then I said it’s what makes you feel good as I said… and she said what? what? and someone said it was the “Gianni-spot” (there’s a boy in our class called Gianni)… And Mr Ellis was trying to divert the conversation. She’s so cute when she doesn’t know what’s going on.

And then Mr Ellis mentioned the vaccine against the virus that can cause c.e.r.v.i.c.a.l. cancer, and he asked if anyone had heard of it. I told him that I had and that I had had it already. He was surprised and said, good, good, good. You have to have it before you are “active” in bed and he thinks both males and females should have it in order to confer herd protection. Anyway not many people in our class had really heard of it. Nielsen said, “What? What’s it for?” And I told her it was for preventing that type of cancer. And she said, “You had it?” And I said, “Yes.” And then I said, “You should have it.” Only my voice sort of disappeared in the back of my throat again and I sort of mouthed it. I think she got what I meant though. I believe she nodded.

Oh and Ellis asked me what the difference between a gene and an allele is. I didn’t really know, so I said in a light, airy voice, “That is an excellent question!” And Mr Ellis said, “Yes, it is! Good answer! It’s always a good tactic to compliment your teachers!” And people found it quite funny. But some people didn’t hear me. Eunice kept on asking, “What? What did she say?” But no one choi-ed her. Haha.

And then during break we hi-ed. Well she hey-ed and I hi-ed.

And then during Stats……. she dropped a pen and a pencil. She said, “Oh sheet.” I wasn’t quick enough to pick up both but I picked up the pencil, and she said, “Thank you, thank you,” in that lovely voice of hers. I love how she doesn’t sound dismissive about it either. You know how some people say “thank you” in a rather insincere manner? Well she has the manners not to sound like that. I like that.

And then she was away for so long during the break. I don’t know where she was or what she was doing. I think Eunice asked her about where she was but I really couldn’t hear properly and I think it had something to do with how she felt or something. And then Charlotte mumbled something three times and neither Eunice nor I could hear it. I think she really felt sick. She then said, “It’s complicated.” And then I saw her drop her head into her arms on top of the table for a couple of seconds during the teaching. I felt useless again. And then I started feeling sick.

At least I’m 80% sure she’s not with Justin.

And she said, “‘Sup?” I love that. It gives a sense of… familiarity.

She’s ill. I saw her this morning but she wasn’t there during Maths or Bio. Apparently her friend Lisa took her to see the nurse.

I’m disappointed. And I had gathered up for the first time the courage to say “hi” without looking furtive or nervous too. I really did look her straight in the eye this time. I guess it’s the heavens telling me to give up. Anything I do is futile. My fate is sealed.

She did seem a bit tired. Now I know why. She must be feeling pretty ill. Otherwise she would probably be going to all of the lessons.

As if that even matters anyway…?

My sources tell me that during the Geo field trip, Eunice and others were teasing her that Justin was her boyfriend. Now him being her boyfriend is not necessarily true… it could just be silly teenage teasing, but… (I think it really might be)

It’s a wake-up call I guess. I should have been more aware of the possibilities. Did I really hope to compete with the male of the species? Hah!

I never imagined them together. If it’s true…? I don’t know. I feel devastated. Why him of all people? He should be in university but he didn’t do well academically in the USA so he had to come back and do the A-levels. I feel insulted - he doesn’t even look like a boy. I remember when you asked me whether the person in the white shirt was a boy or a girl. That was him.

Don’t be mistaken. I’m not angry.

Not with her anyway.

I can just imagine him running his filthy hands all over her now. She may not be exactly “sweet and pure”, but she is my pure angel. How dare he contaminate her.

If they really are together… and she’s happy… I guess I really shouldn’t be saying anything.

That’s it. I admit defeat.

Maybe this time I’ll learn not to be so presumptuous in the future. Unlike all the previous times.

Hope is for losers.

P.S. for last post (I don’t want to go through my whole post to see where to stuff this so I’m just going to put it here): I forgot to add that if Eunice says I’m really good at Maths and everyone is gossiping about it (in front of me), Charlotte just doesn’t take notice AT ALL. She doesn’t say a word, doesn’t change her expression, just seems to be looking at her notes. Which is almost relieving. Though Marc doesn’t really take notice either. But then he’s never spoken to me so I would expect that. But Charlotte has spoken to me on more than one occasion, if I remember correctly. =P And you know EUNICE IS SITTING RIGHT NEXT TO HER. Usually… I find that people don’t ignore what the person next to them is saying. So she’s really unusual. It’s like she doesn’t really gossip the way the others do. Well as far as I know. Very important words. As far as I know. She just doesn’t seem to participate. Which is good I guess, but how confusing.